Blagues de la 2e GM

[von Aasen]

Quelques blagues sur la WW2 que j'ai récupérées au fil du temps, en anglais toutefois

German definition of ideal war :German weapons,Russian winter equipment,British summer equipment,American rations,French entertainment tournees,Italians as foes and Finns guarding flanks.

How can you tell that soldiers in the eastern front are good friends? When the soldier comes back from leave,his division has came backward 200km to meet him.

The skipper of a Polish submarine in WWII is asked: "you see in your periscope a German and a Soviet cruiser. Which one do you attack first?"
"Of course the German one", the Polish officer answers, "duty is always before pleasure".

Question: How can you tell a German plane from an Allied plane?
Answer: If it's black, it's British. If it's silver, it's American. If it's not there, it's German.

Q. What is the Italian battle flag? A. A white cross on a white background.

Q. What is the shortest book ever written? A. Italian War Heroes.

Q. What's got six reverse gears and one forward gear? A. An Italian tank. The forward gear is in case they get attacked from behind.

Q. What nation's soldiers had the most sunburnt armpits of WWII? A. Italy's soldiers

A Finnish soldier was in lookout during night,when he heard noise from no-man's-land.He called the mortar section and asked for some grenades."Shells cost 100 mk each,we can't shoot if you don't see the enemy" said the mortar officer."Well I have 300 mk in my wallet.Give me 3 shells"replied soldier.

A nazi party official is driving in countryside when he runs over a pig.He doesn't see anyone around , so he goes to a nearby bearhouse to find the owner.He opens the door, makes nazisalute and shouts"heil Hitler:Das schwein ist tot".At first dead silence and then loud cheers and barowner says that drinks are on the house.

A lion escapes from a zoo in Berlin. A young man leaps from the crowd and knocks the lion out before it harms enyone.A reporter asked what the name of the brave young man is."Moses Levi"replied the man.Next day in the newspaper:Barbaric jew beats a noble animal to ground.

An experienced German beer drinker finally gets suspicious about the wartime quality..he sends a beer sample to a testing laboratory... the results come eack... your horse has diabetes!!

Berlin, 1945 : Soviet opinion on german communists-"Our german comrades would storm the railway station only if they buyed tickets first."

A little jewish man in a concentration camp is ordered to see the commander. The commander says: "Listen jew, I am in good mood tonight, I give you a chance- I have got a glass eye, it is the best product of germany quality- if you can tell what eye is the glass eye, I let you go. I give you my word as an officer!"
Without thinking twice the little jewish man says: "it´s the right one!"
The Hauptsturmführer is amazed and says: "I cant believe it! Thats right! I will let you go, but you have to tell me- how did you notice the right one was the glass eye?
The jew answers politely: Excuse me, Herr Hauptsturmführer, just because it has some human touch....

A handbill the Marines distributed around Guam during that island's recapture...


TONIGHT

BANZAI CHARGE

Thrills Chills Suspense

See Saki Crazed Japs Charge at High Port
See Everybody Shoot Everybody
See the Cream of the Marine Corps Play
with Live Ammo

Sponsored by the Athletic and Morale
Office

Come Along and Bring a Friend

Don't Miss the Thrilling spectacle of the
Banzai Charge, Starting at 10 p.m. and
Lasting All Night

ADMISSION FREE

[von Aasen]

Question: How do you destroy a polish tank?
Answer: Kill the person who is pushing it!



The Hungarian envoy to Washington is about to declare war on the U.S. The american recieving the declaration, having little knowledge of the world outside the U.S., asks him some questions:
- Is Hungary a republic?
- No, it's a monarchy
- So you have a king?
- No, we have an admiral
- So you have a fleet?
- No, we don't even have access to the sea
- But you have some claims, do you?
- Yes
- Against who do you have claims? Against the United States?
- No
- Against the Soviet Union?
- No
- Then against who?
- Against Romania.
- So you will declare war on Romania?


- No, Romania is our ally!




Schooltrip is visiting Nazi Holocaust camp in Auschwitz-Birkenau. The teacher that conducts

the trip is talking about the camp, prisoners, their testimonies...
- Mrs. Teacher, my grandfather told me much about that camp! - said little John.
- Oh! John! It must have been the most terrible time of his life. He must have suffered here

much! I am sure that he was killed by that cruel Nazis, isn't it!!!
- No, he died as he fell off the a guard tower because he was drunk...




The teacher is asking children in the school what their family mambers had been doing during

the Second World War.
Children are very happy as they can boast of their family achievements. Teacher is asking

her pupils about that.
Little Joanne says: My grandfather was a member of Polish resistance!
- Oh! He was a hero! We know, children, that many persons from our coutry fought against

occupants. Could you bring his photographs on the next lesson? - teacher asked.
Little Mark says: My grandmother was forced to work in Germany!! She worked there 4 years.
- You have to know, children, that many people had to work or were forced to do it in order

to survive the war... - teacher replied.
Little John says: My father was electrician during the war!
- Electrician? Was he employeed in German company, factory? - teacher asked.
- I do not know Madam. His job was very stange. He wore big metal hat where 2 thunders were

painted...


Speaker at the local communist meeting in liberated Poland in 1944:
- Do you know my dear people that within 5 years we will build real communist system in

Poland?
One of the people stood up and said:
- I am not afraid. I suffer seriously from a cancer.



A soviet (state farm worker) and a US farmer were bragging about their farms:
The American said: "my ranch is so big that it take the whole day to drive around it's

borders by a car"
The Soviet replied: "we too have such cars"


Back in the old days (till 1990) little kids brag about whose cousin was a better partisan.

Perica says:"My grandpa definitely-once he saved fifty partisans!" -"How?" -"His machine-gun

jammed..."



Polish partisans were chased by Germans. They hide in a well. German soldiers sat near the

well and are thinking aloud.

"Where are those bastards?"
Echo from the well repeats "Where are those bastards... where are those..."
"Maybe they hide in the barn?"
Echo repeats "Maybe they hide in the barn.. maybe they hide in.."
"maybe they went to the forest?"
Echo: "Maybe they went to the forest... maybe they went..."
"Maybe they hide in the well?"
Echo: "Maybe they hide in the well.... maybe they hide..."
"And maybe I should throw a grenade into the well?"
Echo "and maybe they went to the forest.. and maybe they went to the forest..."


Why did the governor of Paris ban any fireworks in city?
- because when someone was using them the city`s garrison was capitulating



A Russian dies and goes to hell. There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He approaches the first hell he sees, the German hell. He asks the demon who's guarding it, "What happens in there?"For starters, they strap you to a bed of nails, pump you full of boiling water, pluck out your toenails and finally whip you for all eternity."The Russian is appalled and checks out the Polish hell, asking the guard what it contained. Receving the same answer, he went past all the other hells until he reached the Russian hell. There was an abnormally long queue there and he thus dedued it was more popular. He asked the guard there what it contained."They strap you to a bed of nails, pump you full of boiling water, pluck out your toenails and finally whip you for all eternity," the annoyed demon replied, having answered that question constantly.
"B-but that's the same thing they have in all the other hells! Why does this seem much more popular?" The Russian is shocked.
"True, true, but sometimes there aren't enough nails; there's a shortage of water; the pliers go missing and someone would've pinched the whip . . ."

[Emp_Palpatine]

Certaines sont pas mal...
J'aime bien l'histoire des sous marins Polonais ou de l'ambassadeur Hongrois.