L'Union Soviétique ...

[von Aasen]

Aussi en anglais :

Brezhnev's daily schedule:

9 am: reanimation

10 am - breakfast

11 am: delivering medals

12 noon: recharging the batteries

2 pm: dinner

4 pm: receiving medals

6 pm: signing important documents.

8 pm - clinical death

9 am- reanimation.......



Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third from left - comrade Khrushchev."


"Why don't we see comrade Brezhnev making speeches lately?"

"Because he is in a hospital for a surgery."

"What kind of surgery?"

"Widening his chest to accommodate more medals."




An aide says to Brezhnev, "Comrade General Secretary, you wear today one shoe black and the other brown."

"Yes," Brezhnev answers, "I've noticed it myself."

"Why didn't you change?"

"See, I went to change, but when I looked in the closet, there was also one shoe brown and the other black."



Once Stalin received a delegation of workers from the Urals. When the workers left, Stalin looked around for his pipe but did not see it. He called the Chairman of the KGB Lavrentiy Beria and said, "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe disappeared after the visit of those workers."

"Yes, Yosif Vissarionovich, I'll immediately take proper measures."

Ten minutes later, Stalin pulled out a drawer in his desk and saw his pipe. He struck a match, puffed out a ring of smoke, and dialed Beria's number.

"Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe's been found."

"What a pity," Beria said. "All of them have already confessed."



Once the General Secretary of the Communist Party comrade Brezhnev was reading a report from the KGB which related to the gradual increase of applications for emigration visas.

Turning to the Chairman of the Council of Ministers Kosygin, Brezhnev said, "If we continue issue visas, then one day only me and you will remain in our country."

To this, Kosygin replied, "Speak only for yourself, Leonid."



In the middle of night Stalin makes a call.

"Comrade Molotov? Tell me, are you still stuttering?"

"Yes, comrade Stalin, but if the building of socialism demands, I will....."

"No, comrade Molotov, there's no need. Sleep well."

He dials another number. "Comrade Mikoyan? Listen, when you were a Baku commissar, how many of commissars were in Baku?"

"Twenty-seven, comrade Stalin."

"And how many were killed in 1920?

"Twenty-six, comrade Stalin."

"Well, sleep well, our twenty-seventh commissar of Baku."

He dials one more number.

"Comrade Beria? Listen, are you sure you've shot Bukharin to death?"

"Quite sure, comrade Stalin. Why?"

"No, it's nothing. Sleep well, comrade Beria."

He sets the receiver in the cradle, and says, "Good. Now I've calmed all of them down, now I may go to sleep myself."




Brezhnev gives a speech at a Party congress, and says, "Comrade, the Planning Committee reports that next year we'll have no meat. Your suggestions?"

The audience is silent. Then a lone voice from the audience sounds, "We'll work ten hours a day!"

Brezhnev continues, "The planning Committee reports that in two years we'll have no milk products. Your suggestions?"

The audience is silent, then the same voice sounds, "We'll work twelve hours a day."

Brezhnev continues, "The Planning Committee reports that in three years we'll have shortage of bread. Your suggestions?"

The same voice says, "We'll work day and night without rest."

Tears appear in Brezhnev's eyes. "Thank you, dear comrade for your patriotic initiative. Let me ask you, where do you work?"

"In a crematorium."



During Brezhnev's visit to England, Prime Minister Thatcher asked the guest, "What is your attitude to Churchill?"

"Who is Churchill?" Brezhnev said.

Back in the embassy, the Soviet envoy said, "Congratulations, comrade Brezhnev, you've put Thatcher in her place. She will not ask stupid questions any more."

"And who is Thatcher?" Brezhnev said.



A Russian and an American were frozen and revived one hundred years later. They both died at once. The American died because he heard a radio broadcast that said, "Collective farms of Oklahoma and Minnesota report to the Central committee of the Party on the fulfillment of their socialist obligations...."

And the Russian died because he heard a radio broadcast that said, "At the 246th congress of the Party, the General Secretary comrade Brezhnev said...."



God came to the Yalta conference. He took a chair and the Heads of the allied powers came to greet him. First Churchill approached God who stood up and shook Churchill's hand. Then Roosevelt rolled in, in his wheelchair. God stood up and shook Roosevelt's hand. Finally, Stalin's turn came. God shook Stalin's hand without getting out of the chair. Stalin was offended and complained to God, "Why did you single me out and did not get out of your chair?"

"Eh, Yossi, I know you. If I just left my chair for an instant, you would be sitting in it at once."



Early in the morning Brezhnev looked at the sky and smiled to the sun. Suddenly the Sun said, "Good morning, dear Leonid Ilyich."

Amazed and happy, Brezhnev told the Politburo members that even the sun knew him and greeted him personally. The Politburo men were skeptical but kept their doubts for themselves. Toward the evening, Brezhnev said to them, "I see you don't trust my word. Let's go outside and I will show you!"

They walked out and Brezhnev said to the sun which was already low, "My dear Sun, good evening."

The Sun answered, "Go to hell, you old idiot."

"What's that?" Brezhnev shouted angrily. "Do you know who you are talking with?"

"I don't give a damn," the Sun said. "I'm already in the West, I do what I want!"



A new postal stamp was issued with a likeness of Gorbachev. After a while, Gorbachev inquired whether everything was in order with the new stamp.

"Comrade General Secretary, this stamp is not much in use."

"Why?"

"The people complain it wouldn't stick to the envelope."

"So what, is the glue bad?"

"No, the glue is good, just they spit on the wrong side."



Comrade Gorbachev summoned Soviet scientists and said, "Those Americans landed on the Moon long time ago. We must surpass them. The Party decided that our cosmonauts will land on the Sun!"

"But, comrade General Secretary, they will burn there!"

"We're not fools here in the Politburo. They'll land there in nighttime."